Just as my esteemed colleague Richard has recently realized about himself, I too, am discovering the incredible, mind-numbing power of my magnificence. So we've teamed up to bring you a blog so daunting, so intimidatingly incredible, so first-rate that it'll turn your eyeballs into mashed potatoes. Yet, with all that inconceivable grooviness, it's something so majestic and impressive that we felt it absolutely necessary to share with the world. We very strongly believe that if we can just show you that people as awesome as ourselves do exist, we just might save some lives and change the world. No...scratch that. We will save lives and change the world. In fact, we do it every single day of our lives through physical acts of greatness. But now, we can save lives with our words. Using the vastly underestimated tool called literature, we will explode your entire world. We'll make everything on the inside of you want to be on the outside. And when you're lying on the ground in tears, in pools of your own vomit, we will wipe away your salty tears, and pick you up and put you back together. So without further ado, I will begin my part with an epic tale of last Wednesday.
I had just finished my third summit of Annapurna (google it) this year, which has an incredible 41% fatality rate. As I stood atop the lonesome peak, my mind wandered through the practical applications of string theory. I took a break from my hypothesising and theorising to bust out the delicious gourmet PB&J sandwich I had made before making my ascent.
I had it sealed inside of a dinosaur looking piece of Tupperware that my mother had given to me as a moving out gift at least thirteen years earlier. This container alone could tell a thousand incredible stories if it could speak. The places I had taken it. In fact, it had literally saved my life many times before. But those are other stories for other times.
As I slowly popped the lid off, you could hear the rush of air escaping from the indestructible capsule. My keen senses picked up on it's sweet fragrance. The aroma tickled my nose and sent shivers down my spine. I pulled it up to my face to get a closer smell of this thing of beauty. The neurons inside my brain were bangin' on all cylinders trying to compute such a fantastic thing as this sandwich.
There was a sudden, deep grumble from the pits of my stomach. I hadn't eaten in three days in order to amplify my senses in preparation for this meal. My hands reached inside and grasped the sandwich. When preparing it earlier that week, I'd made sure to cut it in half diagonally. Believe it or not, it does make the sandwich taste better. I pulled out one half and lifted it to my lips. The saliva glands inside my mouth kicked it into overdrive in anticipation. If it wasn't for my astounding self-control, I would have been shaking profusely.
The first corner made it's way into my mouth and I chomped down. My teeth pierced through the layers of bread and crunched down on the chunky laden peanut butter. The grape jelly throwing my taste buds into a frenzy of excitement. As a young child, I dreamed that one day life would be this good. And here I was, turning my childhood fantasies into a reality. Incredible.
That was the best peanut butter and jelly sandwich I've ever eaten...so far.
Sincerely,
Zak A Harris
The I.D.B.I.F. Corporation
10..20..2010
ummm. wow?
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