Carmen (it's latin, look it up)

Someone once told me I am not a man,
So I set sail on my catamaran;
     Only three days later
     I looked like Darth Vader,
Just without the wicked cool tan.

Sorry about that, just warming up.  Here's the real deal.

Seventeen days ago,
     They abandoned me at sea, where the wind doesn't blow.
And the only things stirring,
     Are my dreams, which are recurring
     Nightmares of a woman from Bordeaux.

She plagues my life,
     Her surreal beauty cuts at my heart, like a very sharp knife.
She flaunts and she teases.
     Despite my petitions, she does as she pleases.
     She blatantly refuses to be called my wife.

So this evening I've decided,
     And the Lord has provided.
If we can't find consistence,
     Then I'm going to snuff out her existence

It sounds kind of strange to be talking this way,
     But at this point, I'm willing to shout MAYDAY!
Drifting through the doldrums,
     Surviving on nothing but cracker crumbs,
     My sanity, is whittling, away.

Wasting no time and cutting straight to the chase,
     I thrust my knife directly into her embrace.
Her face twisted up in a foreboding gaze.
     My eyes became heavy like the suns setting rays.
     That's when I said goodbye to her beautiful face.

But when I closed my eyes she was still there,
    With her tantalizing eyes and wavy brown hair.
I tried to get rid of her again,
    But I couldn't get her out of my brain.

That's when it clicked.
     I solved the conflict.
If she only exists in my head,
     Then in order to get rid of her, I too must be dead.
     But is that a decision, I can choose to inflict?

I sat on those seas for a long while afterward,
     My mind never being fully restored.
Thirty seven days, I lingered out there,
     Now I sit here writing this tale, saying, "Beware!
     Be cautious with your thoughts, some you cannot afford!"

Sincerely,
Zak A. Harris
The I.D.B.I.F. Corporation
01..12..2011

Half-Marathon Relay Blogging

Just as my esteemed colleague Richard has recently realized about himself, I too, am discovering the incredible, mind-numbing power of my magnificence.  So we've teamed up to bring you a blog so daunting, so intimidatingly incredible, so first-rate that it'll turn your eyeballs into mashed potatoes.  Yet, with all that inconceivable grooviness, it's something so majestic and impressive that we felt it absolutely necessary to share with the world.  We very strongly believe that if we can just show you that people as awesome as ourselves do exist, we just might save some lives and change the world.  No...scratch that.  We will save lives and change the world.  In fact, we do it every single day of our lives through physical acts of greatness.  But now, we can save lives with our words.  Using the vastly underestimated tool called literature, we will explode your entire world.  We'll make everything on the inside of you want to be on the outside.  And when you're lying on the ground in tears, in pools of your own vomit, we will wipe away your salty tears, and pick you up and put you back together.  So without further ado, I will begin my part with an epic tale of last Wednesday.

I had just finished my third summit of Annapurna (google it) this year, which has an incredible 41% fatality rate.  As I stood atop the lonesome peak, my mind wandered through the practical applications of string theory.  I took a break from my hypothesising and theorising to bust out the delicious gourmet PB&J sandwich I had made before making my ascent. 

I had it sealed inside of a dinosaur looking piece of Tupperware that my mother had given to me as a moving out gift at least thirteen years earlier.  This container alone could tell a thousand incredible stories if it could speak.  The places I had taken it.  In fact, it had literally saved my life many times before.  But those are other stories for other times.

As I slowly popped the lid off, you could hear the rush of air escaping from the indestructible capsule.  My keen senses picked up on it's sweet fragrance.  The aroma tickled my nose and sent shivers down my spine.  I pulled it up to my face to get a closer smell of this thing of beauty.  The neurons inside my brain were bangin' on all cylinders trying to compute such a fantastic thing as this sandwich.

There was a sudden, deep grumble from the pits of my stomach.  I hadn't eaten in three days in order to amplify my senses in preparation for this meal.  My hands reached inside and grasped the sandwich.  When preparing it earlier that week, I'd made sure to cut it in half diagonally.  Believe it or not, it does make the sandwich taste better.  I pulled out one half and lifted it to my lips.  The saliva glands inside my mouth kicked it into overdrive in anticipation.  If it wasn't for my astounding self-control, I would have been shaking profusely.

The first corner made it's way into my mouth and I chomped down.  My teeth pierced through the layers of bread and crunched down on the chunky laden peanut butter.  The grape jelly throwing my taste buds into a frenzy of excitement.  As a young child, I dreamed that one day life would be this good.  And here I was, turning my childhood fantasies into a reality.  Incredible.

That was the best peanut butter and jelly sandwich I've ever eaten...so far.

Sincerely,
Zak A Harris
The I.D.B.I.F. Corporation
10..20..2010

I am so cool people need to read about me!!!!

So after much pondering I came to the conclusion that I am so interesting and amazing that I need to Blog people need to know about me and what happens to me so here we go I am officially a blogger I blog blogging is what I will be know for (scrap-booking is next I need a large library full of photo books tastefully put together tastefully as a memorial to the great adventure that is Richard.)

Ok I thought I would start by telling the world of one of my many amazing adventures. I took a poll and it was voted that the most amazing thing to happen to me this century was when I was attacked by a Cougar. Yes you read correctly I am a Cougar attack survivor now don't get me wrong I am telling this story to make everybody thing I am so amazing I want to tell this as a cautionary tale the fact that everyone who reads will understand my amazingness is an added bonus. Well it was a cool August morning I was attempting my 67th summit of Mount Kilimanjaro for charity when I saw it I was face to face with a Cougar. Now the first gut reaction was to kill the Cougar with my bare hands but as I always say a first responder is only as good as his/her last training. Luckily I am well trained in many many thing I recalled my Cougar attack training class I took while base jumping in the mountainous regions of tibet with a highly respected Sherpa. I remembered the best thing to do when faced with the imminent danger of a Cougar attack is 1. don't panic 2. make yourself look bigger than you are 3. Shoot dos pistoles in the air. I did just that experts look back at this occurrence and analyze the reason the Cougar attacked was the fact the Dos Pistoles I had were two Ladies Derringers given to me by Father Cruz while Heli skiing in remote areas of South America. Yes the derringers were beautiful with Our Lady of Guadeloupe encrusted on the handles with blood free diamonds. But the derringers packed to little of a punch to thwart the attacks of said Cougars. The Cougar pounced with all the fury she could muster. I returned attack with a swift uppercut to the jaw, she returned by clawing my face leaving what the my good friend The Monkआचार्य विद्यासागर refers to as my Indiana Jones Scar. Luckily I had my Bowie knife given to me by David Bowie I thrust it into the bosom of the Cougar the cougar and shared tears together while she died in my arms. That Day I gained a lot of respect for Demi Moore and the cast of the famed TV show Cougar Town. As the Cougar died in my arms her last words were "I am 56" she didnt look a day older than 42.